Messy Lives - Sorting Things Out

There are an infinite ways to squander a moment or an hour or even a year of our lives, which are finite.

At 63, I have indulged in at least a large number of the possible ways to do just that. I have lusted after having things that in the end I really did not need and it cost me dearly in wasted time to acquire them. I have chosen to take the wrong road, only to find out that wasn't where I wanted to go at all. I have struggled to fit into groups which had no interest in including me. Worse yet, I just got lost in my life for long periods and just allowed myself to drift wherever the stream chose to take me. And then there were the years I allowed myself to sink into depression, during which I could move neither forward or backwards. The best I could do was go get through the day in one piece, from one day to the next. But such as it was, it was my life and I take full responsibility for the times when I failed and the times when I sailed successfully.

As a nation, we have collectively gone through one of the most traumatic years, economically.

But most of us have survived the crunch and are gearing up to move on once again with our lives. Talk about living in limbo for a year, 2009 was real pip. We all stood back waiting for what shock to our lives would come next. We all lost a lot of time to anxiety and fear and uncertainty as to what was to come next.

Upon reflection, we might all emerge from the disaster that was 2009 with an amazing opportunity. I, for one, have rethought my life. So many of the things I wanted to have or to be just do not seem all that important anymore. The big house, the fancy car, the big screen television, belonging to the posh country club, most certainly a lot of money in the bank... all those things are nice to have. But ultimately, they are just things, just things that impart a transitory bit of status to us.

My business was badly impacted by the downturn, and I am rebuilding it in earnest now. There are times when money is very short or for a day or two, my bank account is completely tapped. But I found out something very important. I need food on the table and gas in the car. I need a roof over my head and money enough to pay the bills. I need clothes on my back and I need to be able to see a doctor if there is I experience a health issue. These things I absolutely need and if I do have them, then I will make it and my life will go on, not hugely impacted by the shortfall.

I will tell you what really matters. When I come home, there will be people who care about me and who love me, in spite of all my failings. I enjoy a rich family life. I can tap into a network of friends who will be there for me and for whom I will be there. I haven't destroyed my reputation or my health. And even if I do not have a great deal of money, I enjoy the sense that I am making a difference in the world... that in that regard, I am one of the richest men in the world.

In the final analysis, it really doesn't matter what others have that I do not have. I doesn't matter that others enjoy more fame or fortune than I do. Nor does it matter that the professional or academic accomplishments of some men and women outshine mine. Such things can be easily tarnished or taken from you anyway. There are no guarantees in our lives that anything lasts forever.

I have no idea if there are going to be another tomorrow for me. No matter if there is or there isn't, I am just thankful that I have made it this far. It is certainly enough that I am so blessed as to possess the things that really matter.

Warm Bread and Serenity

Tonight, I attended a very pleasurable performance of A Chorus Line. I usually catch most of the Broadway musicals that come to town, but for many months now, life has happened. And while it was happening, there were more important things on my mind than going to the theater. Driving home from the Hobby Center, I felt really good and happy that I could just live in the moment.

Actually, the last four or five days have been marvelous. For some unknown reason, everything has just felt right. The sun and the stars have been exactly where they are supposed to be. I have had the feeling that my life is finally heading in the right direction.. or at least not going in the wrong direction. For the moment, when I try to accomplish something important, it is happening. I am savoring the moment. There is something wonderfully special about this fleeting island in time. What I want most is that no one will jump in and say anything or do anything to spoil this magic. I hope against hope that life will not rudely insert itself and say, "Well! Enough of this nonsense. Time to get back to reality."

My euphoria isn't all that different from being in the kitchen where some bread in baking in the oven. The wonderful aroma of baking bread fills the kitchen. As the timer moves closer to telling us to take the bread out of the oven, our sense of anticipation is only fueled by the delicious aroma filling the room. And then, we remove the bread from the oven and let it cool down a bit. But we cannot resist pinching off just a small piece and eating it while it is still warm. There is absolutely nothing so marvelous as eating bread while it is still warm. When the bread finally cools down, I will still find it delicious, but it will never be so memorably wonderful to eat as when it was still warm just out of the oven.

It is late. Tomorrow is Monday and the work week will begin once again. And all too soon, the usual noise of the world will ruin my lovely moment. Of course, I knew that this lovely interlude would end much too soon and the harsh light of day would return me to being the pragmatic realist into which I have evolved. The realist within me tells me just to enjoy the moment while I can and when it is over, to simply move on to what comes next.

I feel just a small pang of regret. You have no idea how pleasant it was not to feel angry at anyone or to feel pain or disappointment in myself or in others for even a few days. However, one should accept a few days of peace and serenity thankfully, with humility. It is a gift we are permitted to enjoy only from time to time. We should thank our lucky stars for these moments of respite from the difficulties of our lives. During our lives, such moments will be few and far between.